I turned 30 last week and wrote this fun little list of things I’ve learned in my first three decades on earth. I wrote this list before the news of Roe v. Wade came out on Friday.
It would be tone deaf not to mention the thing I’ve spent the last 48-hours thinking about, with my partner physically prying my phone from my hands at times to stop the doom-scrolling. But as it is a Sunday, and as this is meant to be a “bonus post” which as I understand is meant to fun (!) and rewarding (!), I will resist delving into the full breadth of the rage and sorrow that I feel knowing that American women have fewer rights today than they have had for my entire life.
(Many better writers have already spoken for us all on the matter and you can read some below my bonus reading recommendations).
But I will add one lesson to my original list - the political is personal. The little girl in the picture above was raised by a mother who had the news on every day of my upbringing. She taught me to believe that I could be anything — the first woman President. A marine-biologist. An artist. A mother. She entertained any dream or thought that popped into my head because for most of her life, she saw her rights as a woman increase in America.
She also taught me to pay attention. To stand up for myself and others. To speak up - even when it’s uncomfortable.
I love being a woman and I love women. I want to see women succeed. To be happy and safe and financially stable and healthy. To be able to choose a life that fills them up.
That’s why I’ve donated monthly to Planned Parenthood since November 2016. That is why I will continue to donate. That is how I’ve given back to the women I will never meet. That is what has helped me sleep at night for the last six years, as so many of us knew this day was coming.
In college, I had a friend who was a very devout Christian. We spoke about abortion once, and she told me she was Pro-Choice. That Jesus, the healer of the sick and advocate of the marginalised, wouldn't be a person picketing healthcare clinics and screaming obscenities at patients trying to get access to life-saving procedures. She said that He would be the one holding the woman’s hand in the operating room- without judgement. I remember thinking that that was a version of faith I could believe in.
Unfortunately, her views have greatly shifted with the political climate of the last ten years. The empathy, acceptance, and understanding that I saw in that young woman are gone. But I will take her original lesson forward without her.
Now, without further ado, here are 30 (more) things I’ve learned so far:
Things will happen in their own time no matter how much you want them to move faster or slower.
Some days you will go to a high intensity interval workout class, drink a protein shake, and go to bed early. Some days you will not move from your couch, order a Domino’s pizza, and stay up too late scrolling through TikToks of English Bulldogs. Neither of these days make you “good” or “bad”.
No one can make the big choices but you.
If you can’t find a romantic partner that you actually want to be around (or who wants to be around you) for longer than a few months, there is nothing inherently wrong with you. Be patient and stop overthinking it.
However - if you’re getting explicit feedback from multiple close friends and romantic partners about something that’s keeping you from selecting or staying in a healthy relationship, maybe take it on board.
Being kind won’t keep you up at night.
Do the most difficult or most mundane thing on your “to do” list first thing in the morning or it will not get done for six months.
Don’t buy clothes that don’t fit just because you’re planning on getting back into shape or eating healthier. Buy clothes that fit your body right now because your body is not likely to change as much as you think it will – and if it does, it ideally should be changing from healthy lifestyle adjustments over time and not from punishing yourself just because you’ve gone and bought clothes in the wrong size.
Get comfortable taking constructive feedback.
Always leave a party about one hour before you’d naturally want to.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, have a drink of water, go for a walk, do a workout, or write it down. After about 30 minutes, this will fix 90% of things – not adjusting for big stuff like grief and heartbreak.
Everyone is probably not mad at you.
Things will never be going capital ‘G’ “Great!” in every sphere of your life at once – this is not your friends’, your partner’s, your work’s, your family’s or your own fault.
Put your clothes away properly once they’re dry or you’ll never do it and then in a months time you’ll be rewatching that Marie Kondo tutorial on how to fold properly.
If you want something, you must ask for it. (But don’t expect to get something right away, just because you asked.)
When in doubt, don’t show up empty handed.
Within reason, don’t beat yourself up for how you like to spend your money. Some people like Michelin star restaurants, some people like brewing their own beer, some people like going to fifty Phish concerts a year. Whatever joy that money can bring you, I say go for it.
That said, have a grip on your finances. At the bare minimum, invest in your pension or 401K early.
Don’t spend time with people that you no longer want to spend time with -- but be gentle about it. Friendship break-ups are almost always unnecessary.
If you’re not doing well in your career, you’re not “bad at work”. You just haven’t found the right role (or company) yet.
Never assume you know what another person is thinking or feeling.
Dating apps have tricked us into thinking that love is another thing to achieve. Building a massive pipeline of dates is a fantastic idea if you want the opportunity to meet new people and more date nights (because dates are fun!). But don’t confuse this activity for a transaction – there is no quantifiable amount of swipes you can put in that will guarantee you love. This fact is both infuriating and a relief.
When travelling, only plan for two activities or meals a day. The best part of the trip is usually people watching or the hours doing nothing somewhere beautiful.
As soon as you make enough money, set up a recurring donation to a cause that you care about. While the world falls apart around you, you will think of that $5, $10, $20 leaving your account each month going into the salaries of the better people out there who are trying to fix things and your blood pressure will go down.
Planning to do something is not as effective as actually doing something.
It is always better to be un-partnered than with the wrong person. Get out before you would have to be exceptionally brave to leave.
Moving to a different country will not fix your problems. Though, it will give you new perspective on them.
Like any good love story, big friendships evolve over time. Don’t read too much into the little things. Allow your friends to change in the same way they’ve allowed you to.
In most situations, it’s not about knowing the perfect thing to say, it’s about showing up.
Don’t give advice unless explicitly asked for it…or unless you have a newsletter and want to make a list like this.
I’ll Show Myself Out (US Bookshop.org)
Jessi Klein (Emmy Winning Comedian, Writer & the voice of ‘Jessi’ on Big Mouth) could write about anything and make me laugh. But I especially appreciated her second essay collection about motherhood. Many important women in my life have become new mothers in the last few years, and I’ve found myself learning so many things I never knew before about fertility, pregnancy, and the act of giving birth. Jessi Klein tackles so many of these things — including the challenges of being a mother during the pandemic — while poking fun at herself and finding the humour in even the most anxious aspects of motherhood.
I want more funny, awkward, and honest stories about being a mother. I can’t wait to read her next book.
(If you haven’t read her first book of essays, “You’ll Grow Out Of It” yet - read that first - or listen to the audiobook because Jessi Klein reads it herself and its like spending seven hours with the funniest friend you’ve ever had)
Bonus Reading:
How to Argue about Abortion , Adam Grant
Angry About Roe v. Wade? It’s A Threat To Abortion Rights In The UK Too, Vicky Spratt
We’re Not Going Back to the Time Before Roe. We’re Going Somewhere Worse, Jia Tolentino
Jodi Picoult speaking on Emma Gannons Pocast about her novel A Spark of Light, in 2018
Thanks for being here - I hope all of you have found rest and joy this weekend, and I hope to see you again next Friday!
Cheers,
Kelley
Awesome list. I loved all of them but especially loved #8, #19, and #24. Thanks for sharing! :)
Many great insights. My favorite: In most situations, it’s not about knowing the perfect thing to say, it’s about showing up.
Also, if I left parties an hour before I would naturally want to, I'd never get in the front door