I turned 31 on Tuesday. As you might expect, this birthday passed quietly. The fanfare of turning 30 doesn’t quite ring true a year later. Saying goodbye to a decade-long chapter of our lives requires trips abroad, karaoke, and sparklers atop multi-tiered cakes.
For 31, I’ve chosen to celebrate in little bits. A bottomless brunch with two of my best friends last weekend. Steaks on the barbecue with Charlie on Tuesday night. My brother coming over for Sunday lunch this weekend. I didn’t want a big event pulling together the different parts of my life in one place. I didn’t have it in me to coordinate schedules. I just wanted to sit in the sunshine, drink margaritas with my closest people, and quietly wave goodbye to 30 – one of the best years of my life.
To celebrate, I wanted to add a new learning to last year’s list of 31 things I learned by 30:
32. We never “arrive”. There is no title, no salary, no award, and no achievement that will solve our problems. When we get that thing, we will still just be us.
Most of my twenties were spent striving for something. Hustling for the promotion. Searching for the right partner. Trying to move abroad. Saving money to buy a house. These are all fairly unremarkable goals. But with the proverbial axe of turning 30 looming over my head, these objectives twisted themselves into a false promise: Once I’m “successful”, then I will be happy.
But achieving a goal is not the end of the story. It only opens up the next chapter of our lives – unlocking a new level of goals to aim for and a new set of joys and challenges alongside them.
One of my bleakest memories from the pandemic was getting promoted from Senior Manager to Director. I was sitting alone in my one-bedroom flat -- where I had been quarantined for months in solitude -- when I got the call from the GM of EMEA.
“Congratulations! I envy the celebrations you’ll have tonight,” he said kindly.
Of course, as this was May 2020, there would be no celebrations in any way that was familiar. After calling my parents and texting my work wife, all I felt was numb.
Wanting to break myself out of the funk, I took myself across the street to buy a bottle of champagne.
“Oo lovely, something to celebrate?” The masked cashier said as she took the security tag off the bottle.
“Yes, I got promoted today.” As she congratulated me, I felt myself choke up behind my own mask. Suddenly, there was nothing sadder than the prospect of popping this bottle in my silent flat. I hadn’t hugged someone in months. I missed everyone. I said my “thank yous” and left.
Though I feel sad for that moment and all the lonely moments Covid-19 brought us, I feel lucky that I learned this lesson at 27. That achievements will feel meaningless without loved ones to share them with. That “success” won’t keep you warm at night or make you laugh at the end of a hard day.
At 31, that lesson keeps me from placing too much power on my future goals. When our wedding is planned. When this newsletter hits 1000 subscribers. When I publish a book. When I get promoted. When I finish the half marathon.
Then I’ll be happy.
Though I still fight for these goals each day, I no longer allow myself to post-pone joy.
This year, Charlie and I have been using the “One Second of the Day” app to document a bit of every day in 2023. He pushed us to do it this year because he knew we’d be getting engaged. Unsurprisingly, the most compelling clips are the big “events” of the year – the bachelorettes, the weddings , our engagement, the trips abroad.
But when I watch my year so far it, it’s the simple moments in between that show me I have actually found happiness each day. A couple of pints in a pub garden. A walk with a friend. Dinner with my parents. A bbq for two on a Tuesday night.
Cheers to never arriving – we are already there.
Kelley
Happy belated birthday! (I've only just found your Substack)
For me, the simple things in life are the best. I'm realising that more and more as I get older.
Happy Birthday! I’ve been trying the 1SE app this year, too, and really enjoying it!